Disclaimer- I do not own the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. They belong to 20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy. I am using them without permission, however I am not making any money off them so please do not sue me.
Author's Notes- I began this months ago and am only just finishing it now... Sorry, I couldn't get inspired. Anyway, this takes place after "Doomed" and is Buffy/Angel angst. I'm also working on a companion called "Her Name Was Buffy". This one is Buffy telling Riley about Angel, that one would be Angel telling Kate about Buffy. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one.
Feedback- Please! Send feedback but no flames.
Distribution- Buffy's Passion, Daydreams of BtVS, and Slay This! have permission, everyone else just ask me first. I'll almost always say yes.
Rating- PG-13
Classification- Buffy/Angel, Buffy, angst, reflective.
Spoilers- Doomed and back.

"Riley, we need to slow down." Buffy said, pulling away. "I mean I still want to see you. But I need to take it slow. I'm still trying to recover from my last relationship."

"Tell me about it." Riley urged.

"Well, his name was Angel. He was my opposite. I was light, he was dark." She laughed a little over that one. "I was young and immature, he was older and experienced. I loved him from right after we met. But you want to here the full story."

"I guess." Riley agreed.

"We should never loved, but we couldn't have not loved. Destiny was very mixed up when we crossed path." She smiled sadly. "The moment that I set eyes on him I knew that he would mean something to me. But I never guessed what. I could never have known what would have happened."

"What did happen?" Riley asked curiously.

Buffy sighed. "Here goes. I was 16 when I moved here. My parents had just divorced, I had found out I was the slayer, and I had been expelled for burning down the gym. All I wanted when I came here was to be a normal girl. But that didn't happen. A lot of things happened at once. I met Giles, Xander and Willow found out I was the slayer, the Hellmouth tried to open, and I met Angel. He warned my about the Harvest, tossed me a cross necklace, and disappeared."

"Did you see him again?" Riley asked.

Buffy nodded.

"Oh, yeah. I stopped the Harvest and I accepted the fact that Sunnydale needed a slayer. Angel just kept popping from time to time, giving me advice, warning of impending doom, and disappearing. But even though he wasn't around much, I was falling in love with him. Because when he was.... Anyway, one night he was forced to stay over at my place. We kissed and that opened a whole new world." She said softly, then she looked up at Riley. "Riley, he was a vampire."

Riley eyes widened in shock. "He was a vampire?"

Buffy nodded. "But a different kind. He had been a monster for a 100 years, then he killed a gypsy girl and was cursed with the soul of a human."

Riley didn't look completely convinced, but he nodded for her to go on.

"After that we stayed away from one another, for a while. Then I died." She had already told him about that, just not the rest of it. "When I came back from summer vacation, I wasn't over it. I was still reacting from what happened and I acted like a total bitch. Especially too him. But he was patient. He even held me when I finally cried. That's when we went through the are-we-or-aren't-we faze. In the end we were. We started dating. It was nice for a while, but... Then things got too out of control. I learnt a lot about his past, I even met the woman he considered his greatest mistake. A vampire he had brought across and made insane."

"What?" Riley said softly, trying to remember why that sounded familiar. "I've read about that? Drusilla, right?"

"Yes." Buffy said softly.

"Then... You were in love with Angelus!" Riley asked him. "He was a monster!"

"Was. He had a soul when I met him." Buffy corrected softly.

Riley nodded and motioned for her to continue.

"Even after I met Drusilla, I still loved him. We were madly in love and one night, we made love. That night was the best and worst of my entire life." She paused, a tear rolling down her cheek, then she looked into Riley's eyes unflinchingly. "It was perfect bliss, but then... He lost his soul that night. The gypsies had included a clause that said if he ever experience a single moment of true happiness he would lose his soul. And he did."

"What happened then?" Riley asked her softly.

"Angelus was back, with a vengeance. He made my life a living Hell. He stalked me, killed people I killed about, left little trinkets to drive me crazy. He was a monster in the body of the man I loved."

"But he wasn't the man you loved any more." Riley argued.

Buffy smiled softly. "I know that. After a while I realised that the Angel I loved was gone."

Riley sighed, he could guess the rest. Buffy had loved Angel, but eventually had been forced to stake him.

"Just as I was ready to kill him, though, I found a way to bring him back." Buffy said quietly, ending that idea. "I had to try. I loved him. Angel had been everything to me. But by the time the spell worked, it was too late. He had already summoned a demon that would bring us all to Hell. That was the worst moment of my life. Angel was back, but I had found that the only way to stop the demon would be to send Angel to Hell. So I did. I told him to close his eyes, kissed him goodbye, and then... I couldn't cope. I split. But eventually I came back and so did he. We tried to make it work again. It didn't."

She paused for a moment, before finishing. "In the end he left. He told me that he could't hold me back. That I deserved a real relationship with someone who could take me out in the light. So he left me."

She started to cry and Riley wrapped an arm around her.

She shook him off.

"Riley... I can't do this." She stood up. "I like you Riley, but I thought I was ready. I'm not."

"I understand." Riley said quietly. "You need time."

"Yeah." Buffy said softly. "I do. Thank you for understanding."

"It seems he's hard to forget." Riley commented softly.

"Yeah." Buffy said again, then she smiled sadly. "His name was Angel and he was. He was my Guardian Angel."

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